I'm so sorry......
I really feel for you at the moment
You said you feel like ending it all , if you feel that unsafe please please reach out to a professional as soon as you can
you've probably been through the mills before and know of the helplines that are around, I know they mean well but sometimes it's just far too intense and serious and we need help to keep ourselves safe. There's no shame in going a safe place for a while until you feel a bit safer .... I can tell how stressed out and low you are and I ask you please please remember you're loved and worthy of all the help possible
Go to hospital please
it's not a quick fix but sounds like you need to see someone soon.. most ER departments should have an on call person who is for patients who are in a crisis like you are
Have you ever been under a crisis team? I know in the UK and Canada they have mobile crisis teams .. if not, I know ER is the best place. It wont fix your situation but I'm just thinking of something temporary to help you whilst you are feeling in despair.... I know most people hate the idea of going there but i'm suggesting it because I care about you and so does Dragon and Mermaid, we really are glad you are a member and we've eenjoyed talking to you in the past on here, in the chat, reading your posts. You're lovely and you are worthy of all the help possible
It's really hard being away from family :( especially when you are close - and when you are facing this alone. I'm sure you are also a great support to your partner who is struggling too. But we all need someone to lean on and when you are both struggling it can be hard. Do whatever it takes.
do it for you, do It for your partner, for us, for your family.. they love you so much.
A lot of people are struggling like this at the moment and it breaks my heart, because I know how you all feel. It's hard, worse so when the situations adding on to the stress are out of our control. It's much easier when the issues are things we can resolve (even if not fuly, and even if not right away)
Looking ahead and seeing that you don't even know if you'll end up where you long to be is hard enough, let alone the financial situation. Maybe someone here will have a few wise words to share with you.
Some advice, some ideas
You know with depression we feel like we are bothering everybody, but you're not. You're not a burden, you're not causing any trouble. You are suffering right now and you need to lean on everyone who loves you. It can be hard , being honest with how you feel. But I know for me, if a friend was feeling this bad I would rather they kept me up all night on the phone than do something worse , i'd regret it forever (and I am after losing 5 people that way)
With the job, that does sound tough. It's awful dreading going to work. I ended up burning out at my last workplace and I really relate to it being completely overwhelming on mind body and spirit. Once you are feeling a bit stronger it may be worth looking into something that is easier on you... after all, you deserve things to be easier. You deserve peace.
I'm keeping you in my prayers and as always you're welcome to post here all you need, feel free to join us in chat again if it will help
I added chat times on the left column so you will be able to come in at a time we're all there
You're not alone